The New Year and All I Knew

Happy New Year. Tonight people will celebrate, stay up way passed their bed times, drink too much and probably remember their evenings as a big blur! Not me. Tonight I am home with my family and a bowl of ice cream. I am home, safe. At midnight I will hear the gun shots from the hood a few blocks done the street and some of my neighbors screaming with Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest. The bowl of ice cream? Well....the diet and work out begins tomorrow right?!

On New Years, people reflect on what their prior year has been like and then hope that their year ahead will be better. I ordinarily do the same; However, this year I didn't only reflect, I also realized just how many blessings I had. My year wasn't even that wonderful. I had a lot of ups and downs...but the downs were pretty extreme. But even through it all, I was completely aware of my blessings. Maybe this is what getting older is all about. I've heard that in your 30's and 40's you gain a sense of clarity and really, I'm right smack in the middle between those two ages!

In 2011 I have no expectations of others, just myself....as per my previous post! I expect that I will hold myself accountable for my health and the well being of my body. I expect that I will be a better wife and mother. But most of all, I expect that I will continue to give of myself and be able to forever count my blessings.

And with that, I wish you a happy new year filled with many blessings.

The Young & The Old...and Everything In Between

Today was my nephew's first birthday party. His mom held the party at one of those indoor playgrounds that I tend to have a love/hate relationship with. I love them because my children play to their hearts content without needed supervision from me, but I hate them because I'm a germ-a-phobe and I just know places like that are filled with boogery, snot-nosed, lice infested children. And when my boy comes running around the corner, licking his hands from the piece of birthday cake he just ate, before I could tell him to disinfect his hands, it just makes my stomach curl.
In attendance at the party was my grandmother-in-law (picture of me and said in law to the left) who, I'm told, is in her mid-80's, but looks like she's 114. She allegedly does not speak a word of English, but tends to laugh without being prompted at the right times. This woman sat in one place for the entire three hour party. I kept checking on her because, really....who does that?! I'll tell you who does that...a woman who has lived her entire life to experience the joy of her great-great-grandson. She was determined to watch him run around with his green balloon and toothy grin. She didn't want to miss him stuffing (and smearing) his face with vanilla frosting from his cake. She wanted to offer her lap when he was so over stimulated that he just wanted to be held. Why? Because that's what great-great-grandmother's do.

I never knew either of my great-great-grandmothers because neither one of them lived long enough to know me. The fact that I didn't know them really hasn't saddened me until tonight. It just makes me sad that I wasn't the reason for my great-great-grandmother's joy, or rather I wasn't able to give either one of them the opportunity for that joy.

What I do hope and pray for, however, is that one day, I too will be able to watch my great-great-grandson/daughter celebrate their birthdays. I know for sure that the only way for that to happen to to ensure I take care of myself now and that journey in itself will be my biggest blessing.

"The World is a Playground, and Life is Pushing My Swing"

While sitting on the park bench today, watching my kids frolic (yes, I used that word!) on the playground I witnessed a moment that touched my heart. An elderly woman, probably in her late 70's - early 80's, with a slim build, came out of no where, almost skipping to the playground. She dropped her purse, threw her coat to the side of the swings and seemed to jump onto a swing. As carefree as ever, she pumped her legs back and forth until she was swinging as high up in the air as my children did just minutes earlier. The wind blew in her gray hair and her face emulated such joy. I felt bad for staring, but I just couldn't keep my eyes off of her. No one at the park seemed to notice her as it was business as usual all around. Parents trying to get their kids to go home with no avail, kids working together attempting to build the highest sand castle and the exciting squeals of kids throwing their little bodies down the fast slides. I caught my daughter's eyes as she stood on the playground structure that hung over the swings and I motioned for her to look at the woman on the swing. And in that moment I knew I was witnessing a blessing as I not only got the opportunity to see the woman experiencing sheer joy, but I also got to see my daughter catching the gaze of the woman and giving her an understanding smile.

~Title quote by Natalie Kocsis~

No Expectations

When one goes threw life with expectations, one often ends up upset. One year I went into work on my birthday, with a big smile on my face, expecting flowers, balloons and a decorated office. I came in and found nothing, nada, zilch! The entire day went by without a mere mention of my birthday. At the end of the day as my boss was leaving, he wished me happy holidays and left. That day, I left the office in tears and vowed never to come to work on my birthday again. This year, my birthday fell before an office closure and so I decided I'd rather just go to work on my birthday and then take off after the holiday weekend. So I went to work that day with negative zero expectations, which is good because when I got there, again....nothing, nada, zilch! Then my mother called and proceeded to ask me if my roof held up during the torrential down pour the week before and then started telling me about her trip with her boyfriend! (Gee...good thing I had no expectations!). After that my friends started posting birthday wishes on Facebook and some work friends saw that and started emailing me and coming by to give their well wishes. By the end of the day I had two bouquets of flowers, a bouquet of balloons, a pie and two cakes all with candles and a room full of peers singing happy birthday to me! Oh mom called me back 8 hours later in disbelief that she totally forgot! So maybe having no expectations is key to allowing the blessings to flow threw.

My life has been so calculated and planned, that I never really allowed my guard down enough to just let life happen and throw caution into the wind and see what happens. After high school I planned that I'd go to college, get a job, get married by age 24, have my first kid at 25 and another, 2-3 years later....and guess what? That's exactly what I did! So maybe, instead of a New Year's resolution to loose weight, as is every year, maybe this year I'll resolve to have no expectations of others, only of myself. Maybe I'll be more spontaneous and enjoy the life I've been given more. Maybe it's time to start enjoying the blessings instead of just counting them.

The Fam Bam

It's Christmas...but to be honest with you, I don't really care. No, not scrooge...no Bah Humbug intended. I'm Jewish. But being Jewish doesn't stop me from being with my family on Christmas.....after all, nothing is open and we're kinda stuck with each other.

Tonight I was lucky enough to be invited over to my in laws home for dinner. When I got there, my sister in law (SIL) proudly announced that they were waiting for me to get there and that the fish was in the fridge. Translation: We were waiting for you to get here to cook us dinner. So much for being invited over for dinner. They should have been more clear: "We're inviting you over to cook us dinner!" And just for the record dinner was superb!

Tomorrow, for Christmas day, we were invited to my side of the family for brunch (hey, we're Jews...we eat! It's what we do well) at my sister's house. Going to my sister's house forces me to count my blessings. Her one year old son died earlier this year from a freak accident. An accident and aftermath that no parent should ever experience....ever. I count my blessings more so these days as I look at my children and thank God they are alive and well. Going to my sister's house for family functions also has another blessing perk. I get to see her mother in law (MIL) in action and thank God knowing that I have the best MIL ever - a blessing.

And after my sister's house we will travel to visit my dad who is bed-ridden in a assisted living facility where we will walk into his room and almost vomit from the smell of poop. My dad has MS and he gave up on himself a long time ago. He hasn't made any attempt to better his life, given his circumstances. And so, he lays in bed all day and night and makes in a diaper. And so we put a smile on our faces, open every window in the room and visit him because he is my dad. We'll bring him ice cream because it's his favorite food and maybe even pick him up a pizza with anchovies, olives and a load of Parmesan cheese because it'll make him happy. And the truth is, is that he's my dad and if I can make him happy even for just a brief binging moment in time, then it was my opportunity to give him my love - a blessing.

When all is said and done with my dad, we will head to my mom's house where we will be greeted with stories of her latest travel adventure with her boyfriend. Yep, my mom has a boyfriend! (parents are divorced) We'll get all the details that we didn't ask to hear and we'll smile and nod and then the kids will ask for a cookie at the right time! And then after visiting my mom we will be heading back to the in-laws because they invited us for dinner. Wonder if I will have to cook again.

At the end of the day, what I've come to realize is that my biggest blessing of all is having a family who loves me and accepts me as I am in the first place. A family who remembers my birthday 2 days before Christmas when the rest of the world forgets. A family who admits when my cooking is better than my MIL's cooking....and goes for seconds. A family full of blessings is truly the best blessing anyone could possibly wish for.

Happy Holidays.

Me and my blessings

Life is good. I can't complain. Well, I suppose I could, but in the grand scheme of things I really don't have much to complain about. Every day there are moments placed right in front of my face that make me realize just how huge my blessings are.

1. My baby boy tells me I'm the best mommy in the world after I unleash the wrath of all mommy yelling fits on him because I needed a nap! - a blessing
2. The little old lady who drives 12 miles under the 35 mph speed limit that makes me sit back and realize I don't really need to rush anywhere (especially work) - a blessing
3. My husband who puts up with my belief that Michael Jackson really is alive and only rolls his eyes when I tell other people - a blessing
4. My boss who is selfish enough, money-hungry enough and lonely enough to show me that money isn't really all that important after all - a blessing

Blessings are everywhere, sometimes you just have to search a little deeper to find them. My intention with this blog is to search deep and hard for my blessings in life. 36 years ago (today) I was blessed with a body and a soul, both of which I fail to nourish on a daily basis. I've failed my body in that I haven't given it the healthiest lifestyle. I've stretched it beyond recognition and I'm sure I'm causing damage to the precious parts it houses. The sadness I feel in the damage I've caused to my body does not allow my soul to feel good, thus sending my emotions into overdrive. Once my emotions start to loose control, my eating habits follow and so begins the cycle.

You see, the thing is, is that I'm fully aware of my blessings. I know how to loose weight and I know how to be good to myself. What I don't know is why I don't allow myself to be good to myself. I am my biggest blessing and so begins the journey. My journey - a blessing.