Two Months and Still Feeling Blessed

So in my last post, I mentioned that I was laid off after 12 years at the same company. I thought that one of two things would happen after that. 1) I'd find a new job quickly or 2) I wouldn't find a new job and fall into a heavy depression!  Well good news/bad news.....neither has occurred! On the contrary, I've actually been able to find even more blessings in this part of my life's journey!

It's been just over two months now and I'm still not working. But I also haven't cried one single tear over this! I really love this stay at home mom business and can totally get used to it? In these months I have helped my 7 year old become a much better reader, as he was struggling in school. My 10 year old daughter needed her mommy. Was able to get the hubby to finally find a job after being a stay at home dad for so many years. And for me, the first time ever, I got the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. I've always wanted to know what that was like and now I know! (Memo to self: buy a lotto ticket today!)

I've had some leads, even a job offer. But the pay was way below what I would need to pay the mortgage and bills, so I had to pass. I'm utilizing all my resources and networking like crazy. I still have full faith that the right job is coming my way. I am feeling blessed beyond my wildest expectations.

Found my Best Friend, But Lost Something Else!

So after my last blog post about loosing my best friend, I wrote her an email and just put it out there. I gave my side of the story and how it made me feel and I told her that this could be closure for me and goodbye, or not. She responded in much the same way (still no apology). I responded with "We can either meet in the middle of the road and hug it out....or not." Then, like it was out of a movie scene, all of the lights came on in her front yard and she came running out the front door. Then I went running out my door and with the Chariots of Fire theme song playing in the background (no, not really!) we hugged it out in the middle of the road. Did I mention she lives across the street? Turns out that she is moving soon and although we made up....I'm sure it'll never be as it once was. But my heart feels better knowing it's not completely lost.

In other news....after nearly 12 years at the same company, working for the same man, I've been laid off! No warning. Just BAMO! Bu Bye! They lost a big client and a bunch of people were laid off. I'm still in shock. I was so loyal to the man I worked for (the president).  I could have completely ruined him and I didn't. I was so loyal to him and did EVERYTHING for him. Through all of his infidelities and scum-ball moves....I was there. I was a vault. So for him to sit before me telling me it was the end of the road, it was just a slap in the face really. He has a friend of the family working for him there.....why not let go of that guy who was only there for a few months and really hasn't contributed much? Why me?

The moment I got in my car after the lay off I cried my eyes out. I got home, stood in front of my door and made a decision to just let it go. What's done is done and there wasn't one thing I could do to change it. I put my four boxes of 12 years to the side and set up shop on my dining room table. My laptop, some writing pads, my calendar and my cell phone. I got to work looking for work. I updated my resume, submitted it to all relevant and open jobs and reached out to every contact I knew who might be able to help. It's been one week and I haven't gotten any bites. I know that it doesn't happened so fast and so I keep on it and wait.

So the name of this blog is Blessings Within....so where are the blessings in all of this? Well, I can't say I was too happy at the previous job. The last pain was that they gave me a promotion with no raise and kicked me out of my office into a cube. That should have been my first clue that I needed to go. Also, I haven't cried one more tear after that fateful day. Truth is, they gave me a check for 205 hours of unused vacation time....so I'm still technically on vacation! I did get a severance check, which should take me to December. So getting out of what wasn't healthy for me and being forced to focus on my future is the blessing in all of this. I know I'll be ok. I will find the next job and it'll be new and scary, but I will succeed. And if that new job doesn't come quickly enough, then we will make adjustments to make it work. I'm not worried. A little scared, but not yet worried. Ask me again in another month or two and we'll see.

The biggest blessing really is the time I get to spend with my kids. To be able to drive them to school, pick them up and be with them during homework and all is the best thing ever. I have never been without a job so it's kinda nice to experience all that I've missed. The hard part is spending a lot (more than I ever wanted) of time with the hubby. He talks a lot, and he sleeps a lot, and he always wants to know what I'm looking at on the computer. Kinda of annoying when I'm trying to concentrate! I suppose it's just learning to get used to it for now.

I do have to say that I'm ready to find and stop loosing. But I know that sometimes we have to go thru pain to get to the good stuff. I know this is all a learning lesson and a way for me to grow in some capacity.

Oh and I also got my very own article picked up over at Business2Community.com and it was even the featured story. So I guess I still have it....even without the old job.

I'm excited to read my next chapter.

I Lost My Best Friend

About five weeks ago my best friend and I made plans to go to the movies. We decide on a late movie because we had to make sure our respective kids were tucked in bed before we went out for some mom fun. Our plan was to leave at 9pm for a 10pm movie.

9:00pm - No best friend
9:15pm - No best friend and best friend isn't picking up her cell phone
9:30pm - No best friend, no cell, no texts
9:45pm - Yep, you guessed it....no best friend
10pm - Best friend texts and asks if I'm ready to go. I tell her that it's too late and that I am upset that she didn't even call or text to tell me she'd be late. Her reply? "I was with my family. Don't know what to say other than that." And with that....the friendship vanished.

She stood me up and didn't even apologize. Didn't even own up to her error. And now, a month later I've even been unfriended on Facebook. What did I do to deserve that? Maybe she wasn't as good a friend as I thought? She was the one who'd go out for our nightly mom fun....ok maybe it's not fun to most, but going grocery shopping and laughing your butt off in the isles is fun to me! We shared everything. We talked about everything.

And now, here I am and I miss my best friend so much. She lives right across the street. I know she sees me and I know I see her. And all I want to do is go over, give her a big hug and tell her how much I miss her. What I can't figure out is why me? She messed up. Not me. Does she not miss me? Does she not know how much she hurt me? Am I being totally pathetic?

I lost my best friend and I'm having a hard time finding the blessings in that. I've spent more time at home and I know my husband loves that, but I miss the talks, the laughter and the vent sessions. I miss late night work outs and shopping expeditions. I miss it to my core. If you love someone, set them free? I hate this.

Sometimes, Letting Go is the Biggest Blessing

Within this month alone I've watched close friends go thru some pretty major trials and tribulations: Double mastectomy, colon cancer, divorce, death, illness and emotional issues. At first I couldn't figure out why all of this was happening around me. But as time passed by, I realized that it was all being shown to me in order to remember to count my blessings. All the little things that I've stressed over recently just don't matter. The friend on the surgery table today wasn't thinking that the housing market sucks or that her job didn't feel so good. She was laying on that table wondering if her kids would see her alive after surgery. She was thinking what her life would be like without her breasts and would her hair fall out if she has to have chemo.

Not to get too spiritual or religious here, but sometimes letting go of what you can not control and giving it to whatever your higher power might be, is the biggest blessing of all. And with that...I'm just letting it go.

Photo Credit: Flickr pj_vanf

Bless the World With a Smile

It's my goal every Monday to lace up my shoes, squeeze into my sports bra and workout attire and head out for a walk on my lunch break. I usually go walking on Monday, get too busy on Tuesday, have a long-standing lunch date on Wednesday, complain that it's too hot on Thursday and eat way too much chocolate to even justify a walk could even burn that many calories! But there are weeks that I do take my walk on more than one day and it's my plan to keep trying to make it out more than on Mondays.

One of the most interesting things about my walks is the amount of people I pass who keep their eye balls on the ground as they go by. I try to make it a point to smile and look in everyone's direction. I know in my heart that no matter who you are, everyone wants to be noticed and know that they matter (I'm sure of this because Oprah told me and she knows everything!). I walk and wonder why these people don't lift their head and greet the world as it goes by. I wonder what they are thinking and what could be so bad. I wonder if and how they are blessed and sometimes I even want to stop and ask if they are ok. Maybe I can help. Maybe I can change the world one passer-by-er at a time by asking them if they are ok and shining my pearly whites. Maybe.

If you are one of these people, please hold your head up. Hold it up high. You matter to me and no matter who or what you believe in, you are a child of God [or insert higher power here] and you must be blessed because you are breathing, alive and healthy enough to be walking by. Next time someone walks by you, please look them in the eyes and smile so bright they need shades!

The Blessing Leading the Blind

On my way home from work tonight I received a beautiful opportunity to witness a blessing as it was happening. I was sitting in my car, just zoning out after my busy day, when I looked at the people crossing the street and saw a blind woman making her way, slowly, across the street. She had her red and white walking stick to ensure she didn't bump into anything. Then, out of no where, a young man took her arm and guided her across the street.

On any other day, with any other person, this young man would have been greeted with a scream. He must have been in his very late teens or very early 20's, African American, dressed in black jeans, shirt and cap and he had rather large ear phones on...the old school ones. But today was his lucky day. He got to help someone out who couldn't see him and couldn't judge him by his looks. As the two glided across the busy intersection, they both smiled and exchanged a few words. And when he got her across, they said their goodbye's and each went in separate directions.

Tonight this man can go to sleep knowing that he did something great. He got the biggest blessing of all and a few of us lucky ones, who watched in amazement and awe from our cars, were reminded what it meant to be kind and giving despite our looks.

Count Your Blessings, Not Your Age

Last month I decided to throw my husband a 40th birthday party. I discussed it with him and he was in! I suggested a 70's theme (since he was born in the 70's), but he asked for an 80's theme instead. The 80's really were great! So we both agreed and I went into party planning mode.

Every time I came home with a bag of party stuff, my husband would ask how much I spent. When I brought home a variety of beers he bitched and moaned because he didn't like one of them...even though I got him his very own 8 pack of his favorite beer! When I hired the DJ/Karaoke guy, he winced and said he didn't need it (after I already signed the contract). He became my biggest pain in the ass! My husband brought new meaning to crotchety old man!

So instead of dealing with him, I started to leave the party stuff in my car and brought it inside the house when he wasn't home or asleep! I didn't tell him how much anything cost and hardly even spoke about the party. When he questioned me, I avoided the questions.

The party was last night. Every person who came to the party couldn't believe how amazing of a party we I put on! The alcohol was flowing, the DJ was doing his thing (quiet well if you ask me or....everyone), the details were noticed (the Fun Dip, candy cigs, Pac Man available on two TV sets and the Rubik's cubes around the house) and the food was phenomenal. Everyone had a great time from start to finish.....even the husband. He even serenaded me at some point, doing a karaoke song that he sang to me when we dated!

I'm not sure what exactly the husband was expecting. Maybe he thought he'd get a keg and he and his friends would play 80's CDs! To me, this putting on this party was more than spending some cash on the details. It was more about finding a way of showing my husband just how much his friends and family (especially me) love him...even if he's 40!

Age is just a number, it's how you handle yourself through the numbers in life that matters most. Count your blessings, not your years. In the end, it's the blessings that matter most.

What BFF Means to Me

Most people believe that BFF is an acronym for Best Friends Forever, but I have a hard time with that. I truly believe that friends come into your life for a reason. Some just pass through, some stay for a brief moment and others hang out for much longer. To me, if you are truly lucky enough to find a friend who does stick around forever, that's called a blessing. If you are lucky to have a blessing that big, then BFF doesn't stand for Best Friends Forever - rather Blessings From a Friend.

The biggest blessings that a friend can give you is unconditional support, a listening ear and honesty. Sometimes it take a long time to realize that those qualities are detrimental to a friendship. My daughter is nine and she's dealing with fourth grade drama on a daily basis. One day this girl doesn't like that girl and the next day that girl isn't invited to the other girls slumber party....and it just doesn't end. Most of us go through the same thing as we grow up, it's part of our journey - It shapes who we are.

For me, it's hard to explain to my daughter about friends and what they should be because it took me until my 30's to find my BFF. I had this girl who used to only call me when she didn't have a date or anything else to do and that friend who had a serious case of the "me" disease and just wanted someone to listen to her!

My BFF came when I wasn't looking. My family and I had just moved into our very first house and didn't know anyone. Eventually we ventured out and found our neighbors. Our neighbors are the type who come outside on a warm summer night and play & talk until the street lights come on. Everyone watches out for each other and they've all pretty much become our second family. But there is one person among the group who remains my biggest blessing.

It took a little while for us to really get to know each other, to learn to communicate with one another and to find our common threads, but once we found our way to each other, there was no doubt in my mind that she really was my BFF. She became my unconditional support, listening to everything I said, and she was honest in her feedback. She gave and continues to give of herself as a blessing every day, as do I to her.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm also married to my best friend (my husband) who also offers me support, a listening ear and honesty, but every woman should have another BFF, outside of the family. I truly believe that because of Brandy, I'm a better wife and mother. I'm a better employee and an even better friend. She's my sounding board, my biggest cheerleader and the woman has everything and is willing to share. God only knows when you need to borrow a waffle maker!

And so now, I feel that I am better equipped to explain to my daughter what it means to have a true friend and I am that much more thankful to my BFF Brandy for teaching me how.

Phenomenally Free

What does it mean to be free? I suppose I don't mean being free as in "I was a slave and I was freed" or "Really....I get a free sample?" Free to change your world. Free to make other decisions just because you can. Free to let loose and be spontaneous.

Free -adjective:
Able to do something at will; at liberty

I ask because suddenly I've realized just how un-free I think I am. I am NOT able to do something at will in my life because everything and everyone in my life depends on me. I work full time out of the house because my husband is an ar-tee-st and he only makes money when he has jobs. So Monday thru Friday I work for the man...no really, I work for a very tall man...but he's another post in itself! I work so my family eats, has shelter and all the necessities (and then some) they require. I also work so we can take a vacationto Disneyworld and have annual passes to the zoo.

After I work I come home to two beautiful kids under the age of nine who literally cling on to me because they missed me. So we spend the next three hours attached at the hip as we move together through the house and pick up the days clutter, make dinner, shmooze, finish left over homework that daddy didn't get to, bath time, book time and finally, bed time.

After all that I finally sink into the brown, leather couch and dive into the World Wide Web, where I find my happy place for a brief moment. But that brief moment is cut when the ar-tee-st emerges from his man cave and shoots me the look, followed by his very thick, Persian eyebrow flutter. It's his mating call. And so I know that having sex with your partner is important to sustain a relationship (according to Oprah) and so I get up to give even more of myself.

And after all that...I sleep. Are you as exhausted as I am?

I pose the question about being free because suddenly I am looking around and I see lots of people around me being free. My dear friend lost her job late last year and picked up her entire family and moved to Sweden. Sold everything and just up and left. And now the pictures she posts on Facebook are that of a serene family at peace. My mother in law took extended leave from work and decided to take a trip to the middle east on Sunday and she's already talking about maybe staying longer. A few people of work decided to up and quit their jobs with no back up plan in site. Free - Able to do something at will.

So I pose the question again...mostly to myself...what does it mean to be free? Are all of the above people really that free? One lost her job and had to change her entire family's lives. One wasn't happy in her world and decided she needed to see another place. The people at work....well I'm not really sure what the story was there....but no plan? Who knows. Maybe they are truly free.

Maybe, somehow, being free equates to an attempt to finding happiness. Finding oneself. Being at peace or knowing you are blessed. If that's the case, then I must be phenomenally free. Maybe it is my will to provide for my family and give of myself. Maybe it is my will to be blessed with people who love, want and need me. I don't know. And truly, I guess this is all part of my journey. But, I suppose, having the journey to begin with is the blessing of being free.

The New Year and All I Knew

Happy New Year. Tonight people will celebrate, stay up way passed their bed times, drink too much and probably remember their evenings as a big blur! Not me. Tonight I am home with my family and a bowl of ice cream. I am home, safe. At midnight I will hear the gun shots from the hood a few blocks done the street and some of my neighbors screaming with Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest. The bowl of ice cream? Well....the diet and work out begins tomorrow right?!

On New Years, people reflect on what their prior year has been like and then hope that their year ahead will be better. I ordinarily do the same; However, this year I didn't only reflect, I also realized just how many blessings I had. My year wasn't even that wonderful. I had a lot of ups and downs...but the downs were pretty extreme. But even through it all, I was completely aware of my blessings. Maybe this is what getting older is all about. I've heard that in your 30's and 40's you gain a sense of clarity and really, I'm right smack in the middle between those two ages!

In 2011 I have no expectations of others, just myself....as per my previous post! I expect that I will hold myself accountable for my health and the well being of my body. I expect that I will be a better wife and mother. But most of all, I expect that I will continue to give of myself and be able to forever count my blessings.

And with that, I wish you a happy new year filled with many blessings.

The Young & The Old...and Everything In Between

Today was my nephew's first birthday party. His mom held the party at one of those indoor playgrounds that I tend to have a love/hate relationship with. I love them because my children play to their hearts content without needed supervision from me, but I hate them because I'm a germ-a-phobe and I just know places like that are filled with boogery, snot-nosed, lice infested children. And when my boy comes running around the corner, licking his hands from the piece of birthday cake he just ate, before I could tell him to disinfect his hands, it just makes my stomach curl.
In attendance at the party was my grandmother-in-law (picture of me and said in law to the left) who, I'm told, is in her mid-80's, but looks like she's 114. She allegedly does not speak a word of English, but tends to laugh without being prompted at the right times. This woman sat in one place for the entire three hour party. I kept checking on her because, really....who does that?! I'll tell you who does that...a woman who has lived her entire life to experience the joy of her great-great-grandson. She was determined to watch him run around with his green balloon and toothy grin. She didn't want to miss him stuffing (and smearing) his face with vanilla frosting from his cake. She wanted to offer her lap when he was so over stimulated that he just wanted to be held. Why? Because that's what great-great-grandmother's do.

I never knew either of my great-great-grandmothers because neither one of them lived long enough to know me. The fact that I didn't know them really hasn't saddened me until tonight. It just makes me sad that I wasn't the reason for my great-great-grandmother's joy, or rather I wasn't able to give either one of them the opportunity for that joy.

What I do hope and pray for, however, is that one day, I too will be able to watch my great-great-grandson/daughter celebrate their birthdays. I know for sure that the only way for that to happen to to ensure I take care of myself now and that journey in itself will be my biggest blessing.

"The World is a Playground, and Life is Pushing My Swing"

While sitting on the park bench today, watching my kids frolic (yes, I used that word!) on the playground I witnessed a moment that touched my heart. An elderly woman, probably in her late 70's - early 80's, with a slim build, came out of no where, almost skipping to the playground. She dropped her purse, threw her coat to the side of the swings and seemed to jump onto a swing. As carefree as ever, she pumped her legs back and forth until she was swinging as high up in the air as my children did just minutes earlier. The wind blew in her gray hair and her face emulated such joy. I felt bad for staring, but I just couldn't keep my eyes off of her. No one at the park seemed to notice her as it was business as usual all around. Parents trying to get their kids to go home with no avail, kids working together attempting to build the highest sand castle and the exciting squeals of kids throwing their little bodies down the fast slides. I caught my daughter's eyes as she stood on the playground structure that hung over the swings and I motioned for her to look at the woman on the swing. And in that moment I knew I was witnessing a blessing as I not only got the opportunity to see the woman experiencing sheer joy, but I also got to see my daughter catching the gaze of the woman and giving her an understanding smile.

~Title quote by Natalie Kocsis~

No Expectations

When one goes threw life with expectations, one often ends up upset. One year I went into work on my birthday, with a big smile on my face, expecting flowers, balloons and a decorated office. I came in and found nothing, nada, zilch! The entire day went by without a mere mention of my birthday. At the end of the day as my boss was leaving, he wished me happy holidays and left. That day, I left the office in tears and vowed never to come to work on my birthday again. This year, my birthday fell before an office closure and so I decided I'd rather just go to work on my birthday and then take off after the holiday weekend. So I went to work that day with negative zero expectations, which is good because when I got there, again....nothing, nada, zilch! Then my mother called and proceeded to ask me if my roof held up during the torrential down pour the week before and then started telling me about her trip with her boyfriend! (Gee...good thing I had no expectations!). After that my friends started posting birthday wishes on Facebook and some work friends saw that and started emailing me and coming by to give their well wishes. By the end of the day I had two bouquets of flowers, a bouquet of balloons, a pie and two cakes all with candles and a room full of peers singing happy birthday to me! Oh mom called me back 8 hours later in disbelief that she totally forgot! So maybe having no expectations is key to allowing the blessings to flow threw.

My life has been so calculated and planned, that I never really allowed my guard down enough to just let life happen and throw caution into the wind and see what happens. After high school I planned that I'd go to college, get a job, get married by age 24, have my first kid at 25 and another, 2-3 years later....and guess what? That's exactly what I did! So maybe, instead of a New Year's resolution to loose weight, as is every year, maybe this year I'll resolve to have no expectations of others, only of myself. Maybe I'll be more spontaneous and enjoy the life I've been given more. Maybe it's time to start enjoying the blessings instead of just counting them.

The Fam Bam

It's Christmas...but to be honest with you, I don't really care. No, not scrooge...no Bah Humbug intended. I'm Jewish. But being Jewish doesn't stop me from being with my family on Christmas.....after all, nothing is open and we're kinda stuck with each other.

Tonight I was lucky enough to be invited over to my in laws home for dinner. When I got there, my sister in law (SIL) proudly announced that they were waiting for me to get there and that the fish was in the fridge. Translation: We were waiting for you to get here to cook us dinner. So much for being invited over for dinner. They should have been more clear: "We're inviting you over to cook us dinner!" And just for the record dinner was superb!

Tomorrow, for Christmas day, we were invited to my side of the family for brunch (hey, we're Jews...we eat! It's what we do well) at my sister's house. Going to my sister's house forces me to count my blessings. Her one year old son died earlier this year from a freak accident. An accident and aftermath that no parent should ever experience....ever. I count my blessings more so these days as I look at my children and thank God they are alive and well. Going to my sister's house for family functions also has another blessing perk. I get to see her mother in law (MIL) in action and thank God knowing that I have the best MIL ever - a blessing.

And after my sister's house we will travel to visit my dad who is bed-ridden in a assisted living facility where we will walk into his room and almost vomit from the smell of poop. My dad has MS and he gave up on himself a long time ago. He hasn't made any attempt to better his life, given his circumstances. And so, he lays in bed all day and night and makes in a diaper. And so we put a smile on our faces, open every window in the room and visit him because he is my dad. We'll bring him ice cream because it's his favorite food and maybe even pick him up a pizza with anchovies, olives and a load of Parmesan cheese because it'll make him happy. And the truth is, is that he's my dad and if I can make him happy even for just a brief binging moment in time, then it was my opportunity to give him my love - a blessing.

When all is said and done with my dad, we will head to my mom's house where we will be greeted with stories of her latest travel adventure with her boyfriend. Yep, my mom has a boyfriend! (parents are divorced) We'll get all the details that we didn't ask to hear and we'll smile and nod and then the kids will ask for a cookie at the right time! And then after visiting my mom we will be heading back to the in-laws because they invited us for dinner. Wonder if I will have to cook again.

At the end of the day, what I've come to realize is that my biggest blessing of all is having a family who loves me and accepts me as I am in the first place. A family who remembers my birthday 2 days before Christmas when the rest of the world forgets. A family who admits when my cooking is better than my MIL's cooking....and goes for seconds. A family full of blessings is truly the best blessing anyone could possibly wish for.

Happy Holidays.

Me and my blessings

Life is good. I can't complain. Well, I suppose I could, but in the grand scheme of things I really don't have much to complain about. Every day there are moments placed right in front of my face that make me realize just how huge my blessings are.

1. My baby boy tells me I'm the best mommy in the world after I unleash the wrath of all mommy yelling fits on him because I needed a nap! - a blessing
2. The little old lady who drives 12 miles under the 35 mph speed limit that makes me sit back and realize I don't really need to rush anywhere (especially work) - a blessing
3. My husband who puts up with my belief that Michael Jackson really is alive and only rolls his eyes when I tell other people - a blessing
4. My boss who is selfish enough, money-hungry enough and lonely enough to show me that money isn't really all that important after all - a blessing

Blessings are everywhere, sometimes you just have to search a little deeper to find them. My intention with this blog is to search deep and hard for my blessings in life. 36 years ago (today) I was blessed with a body and a soul, both of which I fail to nourish on a daily basis. I've failed my body in that I haven't given it the healthiest lifestyle. I've stretched it beyond recognition and I'm sure I'm causing damage to the precious parts it houses. The sadness I feel in the damage I've caused to my body does not allow my soul to feel good, thus sending my emotions into overdrive. Once my emotions start to loose control, my eating habits follow and so begins the cycle.

You see, the thing is, is that I'm fully aware of my blessings. I know how to loose weight and I know how to be good to myself. What I don't know is why I don't allow myself to be good to myself. I am my biggest blessing and so begins the journey. My journey - a blessing.